If you missed yesterday’s Letter, Part 1, you can see it here.
After changing my flights and wrapping up the Retreat, I had a tiny nagging feeling that I should probably take a few days by myself in India, to recharge after the Retreat. But the flights were all now rescheduled and booked, and I was so wrapt to be getting back into the arms of my loved ones, and sleep in my own bed, and wrestle my rat bag dogs, that I put it out of my mind. Which, I should know better than to ignore nagging cues!
I pulled my lower back out badly at the airport and it was twinging like crazy as I wandered around Delhi airport that literally has no food except McDonald’s and Subway etc. Then crammed back in economy in fourth row, we all discovered that the tv’s didn’t work – nor did they for the 14-hour non-stop flight. I have my meditation practice of course, but my back was in so much pain by now, that for the first time ever, it felt barely possible to meditate. I couldn’t sleep and when I read I felt dizzy, the elderly man next to me and I literally stared out at nothingness. In hindsight it was pretty funny but at the time, I was just stuck in my own thoughts. Which I kept trying to centre on the fact that I was in the thick of a very ‘first world problem’ to no avail. I mean seriously, “baby pulled her back out in economy with no movies”; suck it up Jac!!
So, I spent the whole flight fantasising about all the things I would do when I got home. Bush walks and hikes, Marley and I having a ball. Painting and sculpting, cooking beautiful food, breathing in all that I could of Arran’s company. I would tell no one I was home and just be a little hermit. Bliss.
I came home and unpacked everything, had a love in with my family and then started feeling really unwell. It was pissing down rain and I had a 3 hour nap, woke for a few hours, then I ended up going to bed about 7pm. Then I slept 16 hours straight, which I have never done in my life that I can remember. I woke to discover I couldn’t walk. My wonderful oesteopath Francois managed to squeeze me in a few days later and explained that my back literally froze from lack of movement in that long sleep, already traumatised from the flight. The novelty of my being home has also worn off in the first two hours and everyone went on living their lives which I imagined were easier without me in them, incapacitated, grumpy and nauseous. I had a session with my healer, who also explained I was riddled with bugs and had something awful going on in my stomach and liver. Good times. So for the next 4 days, I slept and just lay in bed, rolling about feeling awful. Oh, and I cried a lot, cause I am a Class A Sook when it comes to disappointment and patience. I was utterly frustrated as this was not the fantasy I had created for myself for my fabulous return!!
And, so after riding the high of my life, I came crashing down. All of the on-top-of-the-world feels I had in India has vanished. All due to self-created expectations and a lack of patience in allowing myself to heal and get better. This is not a sob story and I’m DEFINITELY hoping no one emails me back saying, ‘Oh no poor you Jac’, because it was simply a shitty flight, and a pulled back, and a stomach bug. Nothing serious at all and something I healed from so fast.
I am only sharing this as a reminder that I have, again, fiercely learnt that when we create expectations for ourselves and attach ourselves to an imagined future, it usually all goes to hell in a hand basket. Had I been more gentle with myself, patient and simply with a curious mind being open to what experiences coming home would bring me, the whole thing wouldn’t have been so bitter. Had I embraced patience from the get-go and not finally on day three, the whole experience would have been slightly challenging, but oh so much sweeter.
This is the essence of living in the moment, without attachments to outcomes in the future. And I learned what I needed to learn, but with a hammer, not a gentle nudge. And the plus side is, now that I am back to normal, I feel like a new human, relieved, fully alive and utterly excited again. The other silver lining is feeling utterly grateful to be able to walk properly again a week later and process food properly. It’s funny, as soon as the basics are taken away from us, we swear we will never not remember to be grateful. Then we forget, until next time we get sick. So, a tiny note for all of us to embrace and embody the health that we do have in a moment in time.
Sent with love,