I had a catch up the other day with someone and it was like I was in overdrive. I left feeling uneasy and I really hadn’t been myself. As I drove away, I couldn’t put my finger on this slippery feeling. The only way I can describe it was that I felt like I was on high definition, like a TV, a bit too harsh, a little shiny and everything
I could feel myself itching to text them, and
My friend and I spoke about this for a long time. She did it at work sometimes, when trying to impress someone. The monkey with the cymbals routine I sometimes call it. All noise and clatter and gimmicks. We chatted about how when we aren’t ourselves when we aren’t authentic, we find it almost unbearable these days. In our early twenties, it was kind of digestible. Now, it can feel sickening.
And that the first thing we want to do is find an excuse. Maybe we are tired, or it was the energy of the other person. I mean there
’This person intimidates me as I think they are amazing and so I acted arrogantly and now feel disgusted with myself’
‘I have wanted to be friends with them for a long time so I am putting too much weight on this and ended up aloof and now ashamed’
’My marriage separation is affecting my confidence on every level and I am now a people pleaser and leave social scenes feeling ill’
So next time you find yourself slyly or frantically coming up with an excuse for why you were weird in a moment, peel back the layers to the deep truth of it. This honesty that means we can successfully navigate ourselves through life on a deeper level of authenticity.
Sent with love,