I forgot to write yesterday’s Letter. I clean forgot the day before. With so much happening at the moment, I realised too late and then took a pause and realised, I needed to stop for a moment. So I took the day off, walked Honey in the park, tucked myself in bed with some potato crisps and watched Call Me By Your Name. I needed a mental health day. I sobbed watching that beautiful movie as if it was the first time. The monologue with the Dad and Elio takes me out every time. I wanted to share it with you. And if you haven’t yet watched it, you must. Just like if you know deep within you, you need a mental health day, alone, to have a good cry (and eat pizza with chili flakes and extra sea salt in bed like I did), you must.
From Call Me By Your Name…“When you least expect it, nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot. Just remember, I’m here. Right now, you may not want to feel anything. Maybe you’ll never want to feel anything. And, maybe it’s not to me you want to speak about these things, but I feel something you obviously did. Look, you had a beautiful friendship. Maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you.
In my place, most parents would hope the whole thing goes away, or pray that their sons land on their feet. But I am not such a parent. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we go bankrupt by the age of 30 and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste!
And I’ll say one more thing… it’ll clear the air. I may have come close, but I never have what you two have. Something always held me back or stood in the way. How you live your life is your business. Just remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once, and before you know it, your heart’s worn out. And as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now, there’s sorrow, pain; don’t kill it, and with it, the joy you’ve felt.”
Written with love,
Jac x