I recently had a friend say to me really casually, no harm intended, ‘you know some people like your honest approach, and some don’t, they want a Guru or someone who has their shit together. I’ve had lots of people mention it’. It knocked me hard. Not for heaven’s sake as I EVER wish to be a Guru, the thought makes me nauseous, but that my honesty was disliked by some people. That clearly I did not have my shit together. That I put myself out there and some people found it gross. Because I was feeling particularly vulnerable already, I didn’t say a word in return. I was too deep in a shame spiral. I knew I would just come across utterly defensive, and they were not picking on me, they were proud of me, and backed my path. It was just a casual comment.
I could feel all the shitty feelings rising, all the good God, who do you think you are thoughts. Then, as icing, I then cursed myself for even thinking the word shit as someone had that day privately DM’ed me saying they found my swearing offensive. Ugh.
When we are having a ‘moment‘; we can get caught in a tangle of weeds that take us off our path. The whole thing becomes a snowball of self doubt. These are like the alligators of the mind, snapping away, sitting beneath the surface waiting patiently. The ego can create a feedback loop from innocuous comments and redirect us to somewhere we never intended to be. Smaller, safer, less vulnerable. This does NOT work.
So although I first I wallowed in a day of feeling awful, I then put my on my big girl pants, and cut across the swamp. This DOES work. Because everything is a choice. I choose to take that comment personally or I can choose not to. I choose to put myself out there. I choose to deal with the ramifications of that. I don’t want to water down what I say, how I feel, and what I am, to appeal to everyone. Neither should you.
After wallowing for awhile, which soon starts to feel like sitting in a bath that went cold ages ago and you’re all pruned up, I told my ego to piss off. The ego feedback loop needs to be cut. With nice, heavy in the hand, metal scissors. The way in which we cut it is to get realigned with what our purpose is.
The thing with putting yourself out there, anywhere, is that vulnerability is a huge part of the fee. I want to be on the frontline, with all the people who put themselves on the line. I wasn’t born to play it safe, and I have way too strange a personality, brain and mind to fit into a mould. I think pain and doubt comes with this. And it’s a price I am willing to pay. I hope you’ll punch your ticket with me, and continue to choose not to shrink.
Sent with love,